A gay indie boy living in suburban South West London recounts his trials and tribulations dealing with sex, sexuality, growing up and getting older

Wednesday, January 01, 2014

Welcome to 2014

So I've decided I should blog more often... I really have no excuse - I've even got the blogger app on my phone so I should be able to write down thoughts more often.

The past 6 weeks have been torturous: not only have we seen the Christmas and New Year come and go, but I was also seeing someone called Vik. To be fair, he's the first person I've had more than 3 dates with since 2009, but from the off there was something very formal and structured about it that I just couldn't 'take' to. We met online and when we first met, I definitely had that 'feeling', but all I could do was worry and panic about whether or not it was going to work. So much so that after two weeks in I had a panic attack when we were together. Now, I've never really had a panic attack and only suffered from anxiety at school, so this was a brand new feeling for me. No guy has ever actually made me TERRIFIED before. The anxiety got so bad that I had to break up with him.

Less than a week later, I asked if I could see him again and, as soon as we saw each other, we kind of carried on from where we were before. It was going okay, but I could never shake the worry. I worried that if we slept together or when he left the house that my anxiety would be set off once again. I was always on tenterhooks.

During these periods, I had very intense feelings for Vik. Sometimes I was convinced I loved him, other times I felt nothing, then worried about feeling nothing, convinced it meant I didn't really love him after all. I decided to wait until after Christmas to ascertain my real feelings, when I saw him on the 28th December.

Christmas itself was rather flat. I went home to visit my parents and they were all ramped up about the big day, but I realised that my parents don't actually do much. They just sit around watching the TV and talk about doing things. On Christmas Eve, I had to coax them all into going out for a drink. Plus my nephews were irritating the crap out of me. I was glad to get home on the 28th.

So the day came and... It was a bit of an anti climax. I realised my heart actually wasn't in it with Vik, I didn't have any strong feelings for him on that day. And, though I found comfort in holding his hand or kissing him, I wasn't getting that bursting feeling of love. I didn't feel 'lucky' to have him or that lovely little bit of insecurity that comes with love.

What's more is that physically we weren't really connecting. And, while I accept that sometimes the physical bit needs time, it should also be the easiest bit at the beginning of a relationship. AND we didn't really have places to experiment, hang out and be physical which was quite damaging too. So while the emotional part of a relationship was going ten to the dozen, the physical part was very sluggish.

I could have spent more time developing the physical and investigating my feelings, but I thought I would be sparing his feelings by ending it. It was likely he was just going to fall more and more in love with me and, if I wasn't sure, I would just be hurting him and hurting myself.

I decided to 'make the break' and Vik was upset (you can see from the previous post). So for the past two days I have actually been miserable about the whole thing. Did I make the right decision? What's worse is that I think I realised I did have deep feelings for him, but now it's too late to reconcile. I keep checking my What'sApp seeing if he's online or not and toy with sending him a message, knowing that I'd only be repeating patterns of pushing away and drawing him in. As an adult, I know how unfair that is.

I spent NYE being absolutely miserable. Here we go, I thought to myself. Back to square one. Back to the way things were before with my boring life... No holiday companions, no fun times, no romance. No one to fight Allan's corner except Allan.

No one won this game. I feel like crap. I keep crying and thinking about messaging him, but then I just think I have to let him go. For his sake. It wasn't fair of me to want him just because. He deserves someone who is head over heels in love with him. I really wanted to be that guy, but in the end I had to be honest with myself. I really wanted to marry him one day, but if you have to give it all up then it has to be worth giving everything up for.

On the other hand, I keep thinking that Vik and I could have been very happy together. He would have made a wonderful husband and I wonder if I'll ever find anyone who will touch me as deep as he did ever again, or if I've just blown my last ticket to ride the Tunnel of Love.

I feel there was a karmic lesson in it for both of us. Firstly, he always said that he was usually the over analytic one in relationships and to have the tables turned, perhaps he has seen how his behaviour has affected partners in the past. As for me, I finally learned what it's like to realise you love someone when it's too late.

I try to remind myself of how love felt in the past when I was consumed by it. I make a promise to myself that, going forward, I should only engage in romantic encounters with people I'm absolutely certain there is chemistry with. I think about other things that I should be getting on with, such as my PhD, instead of going googly-eyed over strangers. I think that, even if I am single for the rest of my life, I have survived thus far by myself so what's another 50 years?

However, I can't shake that feeling that I well and truly fucked this one up. Not just a little bit, but a lot. And, as usual, I took someone along for the car crash. Except this time I got hurt too. And, after 8 years without a serious relationship, how long will I have to wait before the next person who comes close to the mark will walk into my life.

Yesterday, through my tears, I said, "Please God, please... I just need to know I made the right decision."

Allan Taylor – I hope for your sake and your happiness that this is the case.


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