A gay indie boy living in suburban South West London recounts his trials and tribulations dealing with sex, sexuality, growing up and getting older

Thursday, January 02, 2014

Easing myself back in

Well I finally got dressed at 1pm, went to Starbucks, had coffee and a panini. While I was chewing over things, I thought of my original core values. You may remember that I identified 'freedom' as the one that topped my list.

Reflecting on this experience with Vik, I am thinking that perhaps because I don't feel as though I am quite 'finished' in what I'm doing that the constraints of a long term relationship seem daunting. What if I was offered a job in New York? What if I wanted to move at the drop of a hat? When someone else is involved, a respectful discussion or compromise is involved.

On the other hand... What if, what if, what if. What if someone poisoned me with polonium? You get the picture: these worries are all pointless and premature.

I started to transcribe all my handwritten PhD notes into computer and picked up an academic book. Becoming a doctor is a real, achievable long-term goal that I can commit to... And I've kind of lost sight of that over the past few months. My persuasive academic writing is one of my strengths and I do feel I have a valid contribution. So having some focus is relieving the feelings of confusion.

I ran out of steam as the evening progressed. Two days ago, I finished paying off the loan I took out to do my MA and I thought maybe I could finally move out of my place to somewhere better - this is to be considered when my lease ends in August. 

Also need to spend more time fulfilling my own life. Perhaps I was waiting for a special someone to come along and do that for me, but I need to take more responsibility for my own happiness.

Oh well... Sweet dreams everyone.


Post a Comment

<< Home