A gay indie boy living in suburban South West London recounts his trials and tribulations dealing with sex, sexuality, growing up and getting older

Sunday, October 22, 2006

Sterling Pillars of the Gay Community

Let's take a moment to recognise those sterling examples of Pink Power who have really elevated the opinion of homosexuals in popular culture:-

George Michael- Well, all was going swimmingly when you were in the closet. There was no 'coming out' so to speak, but it was rather blowing up the closet sending the lingerie flying right into the public's face when he was caught cottaging in a loo. Okay, okay... We can cope with that. A minor indiscretion. But then being caught with his pants down on Hampstead Heath and exclaiming "I'm gay, this is what my people do" was really the over-generalisation of the century. Your people, George? Your people?

I'd sooner pledge my allegiance to Maggie Thatcher than someone who claims to be 'Jesus to a Child' (whatever that meant) and gets caught in sleazy (and yes, it was sleazy folks. Anyone who gets horny while staring at the U-bend of a public toilet isn't quite there on the level sexual practice field) situations and then has the gumption to claim that this is what all gay people do. Like I would spend my days roaming round a muddy field looking for trade. I'd sooner stay at home with a nice copy of 'Private Man' and a warm cup of cocoa.

Although, admittedly, Hampstead is quite a classy place. So we'll give him a point for effort.

Graham Norton- We've all invariably suffered as a consequence. To be fair, he started off quite entertaining and subversive... Then he went prime time. Then every night. Soon there seemed to be no depths which he couldn't trawl for a cheap sexual joke. The real cheap joke is that he moved to the BBC to present 'Strictly Come Dancing'. That must of been a pretty huge pay check you sould your soul for there, Mr. Norton.

Oh, and thanks for keeping up the positive image to the general public that gays can somehow not function in the real world without mentioning they have to shove something up their arse every 10 seconds.

Elton John- Tiaras and Tantrums? And how come he knows every gay celeb on this planet? Actually, I won't say too much because it's my plan to befriend him and marry Rufus Wainwright one day

Will Young- Awww... Wasn't it so brave of him to go on Pop Idol and win? And then reveal after he had won that he was gay. Because, you know, the public hates those fucking faggots. I tell you now, I could personally out one or two people who have been in my bed and on those reality shows. I honestly wonder when that story will come out...

Robbie Williams- Oh, that's right. He's actually not gay, and spent a fuck load of money proving it. The next time someone mistakes me for being straight, I'm going to sue their asses for loads of money. Because, you know, being accused of being a GAY is, like, the worst thing ever. They have AIDS and everything...

So hats off to you; our few public representatives of us gayers. Oh, and Peter Tatchell, but believe me if I start on him, OUTRage! will be banging down my door within minutes...


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