A gay indie boy living in suburban South West London recounts his trials and tribulations dealing with sex, sexuality, growing up and getting older

Sunday, December 09, 2007

If You Said You Couldn't Live Without Me, Then Why Aren't You Dead Yet?

I apologise in advance for this becoming a little rant-y, but here we go...

Why is everyone so crazy about love? I have gotten to the point recently where I am sick of everything to do with it. From self-sabotage to speed dating, I can say I have well and truly given up on the dating game. And everywhere I go everyone's harping on about why they don't have a boyfriend, or telling me about some new beau who they're obviously going to break their heart over in a couple of months time... And who picks up the pieces? Oh, it's me!! Me, the fucking single person. I'm *always* so fucking sad and lonely that I need yet another person pouring out their relationship problems to me.

Then, THEN!! Then if you give them practical advice like "don't get your hopes up; you might be disappointed", it gets thrown back in your face like acid when they say "Oh, you've been single for too long. You're so negative." Will you just fuck right off please? It has been a long time, but there are people I could have dated for the sake of it if I wanted to. Instead, I did the decent thing of trying to find happiness and not settle for less, SO GET OFF MY FUCKING CASE! Please forgive me that Jonathan Rhys Meyers hasn't sent me a wedding proposal yet, but I'm working on it.

It's not as if I've been sat on my arse going "Woe is me; I'm so fucking single". I have been going out there when I can! In fact, I have turned people down...

Then there's the bullshit I get fed from other people. Like some 19 year old who professed how much he loved me and... Well, I haven't seen him in two weeks. Does that sound like love to you? Well, thanks for lying to me. Oh, and thanks for taking me, my affection and my friendship for granted as well. When you lived in a shitty smalltown with no like minded friends, who picked up the pieces? Oh, that's right... ME!! What a fucking mug I must be! Offering these "friends" advice and loyalty. What a complete shit head I must be for thinking that this was somehow more important than love, or sex.

But no... I *must* be wrong. Because, for some reason, everyone else is out chasing cock and dropping me like a hot potato. And isn't it just lovely that I get accused of being bitter when this happens? Maybe I am bloody bitter, but at least I'm honest and I'd rather that than be desperate.

Because that what it is, folks; desperation. People are so fucking desperate to be loved, validated and have someone make them feel better about their worthless insecurities, that they do this. All I can say is I hope they find what they're looking for, but in my experience it's not the kind of thing that comes from someone else...

I would *love* a day where someone didn't mention the words boyfriend, relationship, crush, kiss, cock, sex or like. I would love a day where I could just spend some time with someone who was happy and we could talk about the other things in life. I would love love love to just leave this whole relationship issue behind!

"Comfort me with a pulse
For I am sick of love
His left hand is under my head
And his right hand doth embrace me
This is the Song of Solomon...

Don't want your bullshit,
Just want your sexuality"

"The Song of Solomon" - Kate Bush

1 Comments:

Anonymous Stephen said...

"People are so fucking desperate to be loved, validated and have someone make them feel better about their worthless insecurities...."

Spot on!

9:38 AM

 

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