A gay indie boy living in suburban South West London recounts his trials and tribulations dealing with sex, sexuality, growing up and getting older

Sunday, January 05, 2014

Lazy days and baby steps

Yesterday I spent most of the day hanging out with my friend Dil. We watched crap tv and chatted with her and her husband. I'm worried about her at the moment. She mentioned to me that she feels she's spent a lot of the last few years living for other people. I agreed with her. She then expressed regret at some of her choices, including marriage, and that this year she would live for herself.

Though I have every confidence 2014 will get better, it seems that this year everyone - including myself - is glaring into this gaping chasm of possibility and trying to fill it with good intentions. Unfortunately there's no substitute for time, process and letting things play out.

I need to get my head back into research mode, swallow some frogs and organise stuff I've been putting off. However, to compensate, I just ordered a shitload of clothes from the internet. I think I'll get my haircut, have a coffee then attempt some reading. 

I spoke to my bio dad this morning and he said it was a 'shame' that Vik and I broke up, then expressed some audible dissatisfaction at the fact I just overthink things too much. He is still weighing heavily in my heart . I wish we could have been friends first... Then I know I could have grown to love him instead of having feelings forced within the pressure and confines of a relationship.

It's the first day back at work tomorrow. I'm partially looking forward to the company that work provides and seeing everyone after a fortnight. It'll help regulate my mood and my days, and hopefully kick my arse into gear to structure my days a bit more.

I applied for two volunteer positions yesterday: to work at the Lesbian & Gay Switchboard and volunteering for Sutton Hospital Radio. Small baby steps.

Before I left last night I said to Dil, "My plan D is to get ripped and become a porn star."

Her eyes lit up. "YES! Do it!" She said.

Now to get down the gym....


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