A gay indie boy living in suburban South West London recounts his trials and tribulations dealing with sex, sexuality, growing up and getting older

Tuesday, February 03, 2009

Sex addiction or just plain gay?

I think, by definition, I am probably a sex addict.

I mean, when I think about some of the crazy things I have done, it could only have possibly been done by someone who was going out of their way to fuck their life up. And when I often think about the sex for no reason thing, I think it could be down to a misguided need for affection or love.

On the other hand, I am a man. And I am also a gay man, and between gay men sex can often be the equivalent of a handshake. It's that underlying sense of you're horny, I'm horny and we're both men- let's fuck.

However, fucking often fucks things up, and whereas you might just be friends in normal circumstances, the 'sex question' always gets in the way. What happens when you can, but you don't because you know it would be wrong? And, more often than not, what happens when you can and you do then regret it later because things get too complicated?

It's a bit like Tracey Emin- if she pulled her knickers up, I'm sure that her issues would be solved. However, it's the fact that she's damaged and promiscuous that makes her and has made her interesting. Without it, there would be no art.

By admitting this label of 'sex addiction', I can see where I have gone wrong in the past few years. Having sex with your exs, sleeping with young boys when you should know better and going home with guys off the tube is not healthy, and you feel absolved of some responsibility if you admit to yourself that all you wanted was some attention. Everyone does- it's life. What's worse is knowing that you could do better, but being too scared to try, afraid that someone else could do the same thing to you or to not be in control of what's happening anymore.

Nonetheless, perhaps this is not serious sex addiction, but symptomatic of gay life. Boys are dumb, horny and often find it difficult to express their emotions, and that goes regardless of sexuality. So when you have two dumb, horny boys together- go figure. It usually collides in some fumbled expression of a true intention disguised with lust.

So are homosexuals maladjusted sex addicts? My inkling is to say no. I think most of them are just lonely, but it seems to manifest itself in a series of bizarre ways. Like sex clubs and random meets, Gaydar, internet dating and cruising. Yet a whole culture has been built up around this.

Sure, it's fine to have casual sex if and when you want it, but when you start having sex for it's own sake you have to stop and think. I remember there was a time when I was younger I heard myself say what a lot of younger gays bleat- you don't want sex to lose it's 'meaning'.

The fact is it can be meaningless on its own, and attaching meaning to it often leads to guilt, rejection, disappointment, shame, frustration and anxiety. Or, in my case, labelling yourself with a mental illness every Tuesday afternoon. But the throwaway sex of gay life has left us looking for something more that cannot be fulfilled. It's not necessarily love, but perhaps a moment of solace or a minute of pleasure that makes being who you are a little bit easier to deal with

Labels: , , , ,


Post a Comment

<< Home