A gay indie boy living in suburban South West London recounts his trials and tribulations dealing with sex, sexuality, growing up and getting older

Monday, January 13, 2014

It's not the way it was

It's been a while since I last posted... So I did finally manage to do some productive reading for PhD. I've recently been reading Playing and Reality by D W Winnicott. It's really interesting: it talks about fantasy as a state of doing nothing (as fantasy takes place in our head, to the observer nothing is happening) while doing everything (in our fantasies we are omnipotent and not limited by our physical or mental talents), creating a dissociative state. It was almost as if someone was describing the way my brain works on the page. I spend most of my time fantasising about endless projects, but instead of this helping reality, it actually inhibits you. In addition, it gives others the illusion that you are capable and exceeding expectations (e.g. you are able to elucidate on many fantastic ideas you've been thinking about), while in reality you aren't making progress at all.

I'll have to read further to see if Winnicott proposes a solution to the fantastical imagination.

I'm having a hard time getting back into work. Before, it seemed like it was almost fun, but now we're in the new year with no end or break in sight just yet, I realise that this is the way things are - they're not going to change immediately. The saving grace is that I do only work three days a week. Seems sensible to throw myself into my PhD work and say fuck it to everything else.

There is one girl at work who really, really annoys me and I'm finding it all very difficult to deal with. As well, whereas before I had a lot of trust and authority, I'm finding that since I dropped down to my normal hours all the interesting projects are being taken off me. It's quite demotivating. Meanwhile your boss is saying how busy she is and knows that she could delegate down some of the workload, but doesn't because she wants to keep all the good projects.

Okay, well... Here's another 'dear diary' moment. Yesterday, when I was reading Winnicott, I decided that maybe it is time to stop fantasising. So I went to a sex hook up site and met this guy. *GROAN* I know, I know... It's shameful, and I am ashamed of myself right now. The whole purpose of the meet was that he would use me sexually. At first I thought the idea would be really horny, but this morning I just feel really crap about myself. He was a builder, he said he was 'straight' but I feel he obviously had issues about his sexuality. And after we began, it started to get more and more 'rough' to a point I was a little uncomfortable and maybe even slightly scared.

Anyway, I am alive thankfully. I keep getting paranoid about HIV but we used a condom, which didn't break and he didn't cum inside me, but he did cum in my mouth. I know the chances are low, but I feel so shitty about putting myself in such a vulnerable position.

Furthermore, in the wake of Vik, I thought is this the way I wish to be treated? Do I ultimately feel like I don't deserve to be loved and instead to be 'used'? Do I have some form of sex addiction or, even worse, intimacy aversion? Could I have made it work with Vik if I had given us time?

Alright, I concede these may be dramatic, overblown statements in the sobering light of day. I feel crappy that I may never find a relationship that is both sexually and emotionally fulfilling. I know the sensible course of action is just to take myself out of the game for a long time, until I figure out exactly what it is I want, maybe masturbate less and focus a little bit more. I have so many conflicts between my strong, sometimes overpowering, sexual desires and my emotional needs.

I usually keep this stuff very, very secret, but I'm sick of denying that it happens because I'm denying it to myself too. I wish I weren't so sexually compulsive. It's starting to affect me detrimentally.

In other news, I have an interview with the London Lesbian And Gay Switchboard tonight. I feel reticent now it's happening, but I decided to go anyway and see what it's all about. Then after the interview if I feel like it's not for me, then I'll just tell them I'm not interested. After that, I'm off to Falmouth to tell my supervisor I haven't done any work :/ I'm thinking that it's likely I won't confirm until October now. Which is still okay as it gives me two clear years to finish my PhD research within my funding terms. We'll see what she says tomorrow.


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