Sex and 6k

Today I decided to delete Grindr, Gaydar, Recon and every other cruising app on my phone. I had a realisation yesterday: why have I been lowering myself to have sex with men I don't particularly like or am interested in purely for the sake of having sex? I think it's actually quite damaging. And perhaps I'm rationalising to myself that it may have been one of the things that went wrong with Vik. When you can have sex whenever you want, why stick with anything else?

Why am I still thinking about Vik? It's been a month now and I still keep trying to figure out what went wrong, or I compare people to him and think 'what's the point?' I type out messages to him, read them and then delete them. I think I'm attracted to la doleur exquise - the exquisite pain of love.

It has just made me think that I'll never find both an emotionally and physically fulfilling relationship. That's not what I wanted. I didn't want to be one of 'those gays' who is single way into his 70s and spends his pension on saunas.

*heavy sigh*

Have been trying to boost my metabolism by getting up an hour earlier and running 6km at the gym every morning. Feeling less fat, but consequently eating more.

Off to Falmouth later in the week. Hopefully won't balls up all the photos I've planned to take.