A gay indie boy living in suburban South West London recounts his trials and tribulations dealing with sex, sexuality, growing up and getting older

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Quitting sex

I decided to try and take control of something that is perhaps a little out of control – that being my sex life. Sometimes I often think I do things that are symptomatic of sex addiction and I think that part of the reason things went wrong with Vik is because of the physical side. For that reason, I've decided to quit sex, porn and masturbation. For the time being, at least... I haven't gone puritanical or on some kind of spiritual mission. And even if I cave in, then doing it less is better than actively seeking situations in which a) one or other partner ends up feeling depraved/guilty/ashamed or b) where the reality of sex doesn't meet the fantasy of porn, thus causing one to seek bigger and more dangerous thrills along the way. I feel if things continue this way, it will prevent me from finding a loving, emotionally fulfilling relationship, which is something I really want from my life. Plus, I am truly concerned that my attitudes towards sex are actually an intimacy 'barrier'.

My rules are:

1) No porn
2) No ejaculation in the context of masturbation by oneself
3) Ejaculation can happen during sex
4) But sex must be with someone I would not be ashamed telling friends or loved ones about
5) And sex cannot be found through cruising sites, Grindr or the like...
6) But it doesn't matter if it is a one-night stand

I don't know how long this will continue for... I want to try and do it for at least a week and see how I progress. I have also tried to start meditating again to focus.

So I haven't masturbated for three days at the time of writing and it's actually really strange. I thought I'd be really fixated on sex (I've always considered myself to have a higher than average sex drive), but actually I find that my mind is actually more clear and focussed and, though it's easier to get aroused, I'm not crawling up the walls like I thought I would be.

The only downside at the moment is that I'm experiencing a little prostate discomfort: it feels 'full' and when I need to go toilet my bladder presses against it in a really uncomfortable way.

I also find that my sexual fantasies are a bit 'healthier' and more 'me' and, whenever I feel that testosterone 'surge' that goes with sexual arousal, I say to myself, "use the power" and it has this 'peacock-like' effect – you tend to strut a bit more and use it as a source of self-confidence. And in general, I feel my confidence has soared. The prospect of rejection from a potential partner scares me less – truly, I feel, they would be losing out.

I suppose this isn't anything novel: the hormones are probably intended to work this way so that when testosterone builds up inside the body, the male puffs out his chest and says 'hey look at me - mate with me' so he can get his release. But I also think perhaps this is how it is *meant* to be. That masturbation and porn can actually have an adverse affect in that we don't actively seek intimacy and sex because we can do it at home by ourselves.

Of course, I may change my mind about this in two weeks, but you know I have masturbated once or more most days since I was 12 years old. I think you'll agree that's a pretty heft habit to quit and to see if you can not do that is pretty normal. 

Okay look... I know it's been two months, but sadly I also keep thinking of Vik again. See.. Part of me would like to share this with him. If we could be intimate together, if I could devote the kind of physicality I'm feeling now to him, could we make it work?

And I still don't get in touch. And I still fucked it up. And he might be seeing someone else.

But I fantasise about him. I sometimes imagine seeing him again and this time we fall in love properly and I make love to him properly and we fall asleep in each other's arms. And I feel that closeness inside.

What's a boy to do? It's even worse now I think three days of backed up testosterone is probably sitting on my brain.


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