A gay indie boy living in suburban South West London recounts his trials and tribulations dealing with sex, sexuality, growing up and getting older

Monday, March 03, 2014

One week later and fantasising is the problem

So it's been eight days and seven nights since I last masturbated. As I mentioned in the last post, on the plus side I thought it would be a lot more difficult and - at times - it really is hard to resist. Those times are usually when I'm in bed and the only thing to do is let your mind wander. Though I didn't relapse, I did have really strong fantasies that I dwelled on and I know that these can inhibit you because essentially you're watching 'mind porn' and these fantasies weren't exactly vanilla either. I didn't sleep very well because of this, and what's more is I was rubbing against my sheets which I had to stop as this could be considered 'a form' of masturbation and I could feel myself getting quite close at points.

I've had two sex dreams, which is really good as I haven't really had an intense sex dream in a while, and I'm really pleased my natural sexual appetite is returning. Of course, it's actually extremely frustrating that there is no one around to take these frustrations out on as I have a feeling I'd be a bit of a demon in the sack currently. I could easily go three times in one session, I reckon.

I have also checked Grindr and Gaydar intermittently, but not cruised them like I have in the past. I'm caught between snaring a sexual partner and saving myself for someone I meet in person.

So here are a current list of pros and cons.


  • Increased boost of confidence in one's own attractiveness – you really deserve the best boys out there
  • Enjoy a state of arousal more rather than feeling it's something you have to 'get rid of'
  • People seem to notice you more – girls especially (which doesn't help me). Starting to think there is a pheromone aspect going on
  • Caring even less about what people think around you – you want to be heard, noticed... laugh the loudest etc
  • Squaring up to other men as though you have nothing to fear – feel as though you're competitive, as good as any other man
  • Feel as though your standards are deserved - the next person you sleep with really has to deserve you giving it to them
  • Motivated to work out, exercise, keep fit, maintain attractiveness, go the extra mile - bolted 9km at the weekend
  • More focus
  • Harder, full and bigger erections
  • I'm currently single so even though I have 'allowed' myself to have sex, even on a one night stand, it's sometimes quite frustrating thinking that there will be no outlet until there is a random encounter, and then how long does this exercise go on?
  • Questioning whether I'm repressing myself... What is the purpose of this exercise? Will I just relapse if I did have a one night stand rather than a meaningful sexual experience? And if this is the case, how much longer do I have to wait for that? Am I trying to 'cleanse' my fetishes? And is this useful or should I accept them?
  • Prostate discomfort is occasional whenever I need to go toilet but dissipating as I type. Some occasional testicular discomfort too
  • Sex becomes your primary motivation... I'm mostly preoccupied with the fact I'm not masturbating currently
  • Also get quite aggressive and irritable. A couple of friends have remarked that I seem to be 'looking for a fight' on occasion. As if we didn't know the dumbing down effect testosterone has.
  • I have to distract myself quite a bit. Sometimes this has taken the form of going out and drinking most nights to dull the need to insert my penis into something
Have also since discovered that this is a 'thing' – there's a community called 'No Fap' so have occasionally been looking them up for motivation to keep going. Some people suggest 60 or 90 days without masturbating... I think if I do get a boyfriend, though, that not masturbating could become a feasible option in order to maintain a healthy sex life. I have decided that I won't go back to porn, though. I have started to think it is very unhealthy, destructive and creates unrealistic expectations/demands of sex.

So I did get in touch with Vik after all and the result? Well, it just unleashed the pain all over again, which was good in a way because now I know for sure it wasn't right and it's time to move on. We kind of sheepishly had a half-hearted text exchange. It felt all wrong, so I can happily close that chapter knowing I did try everything.

Also, this increased confidence is making me think why does everything have to be so damn serious all the time when it comes to relationships? Surely there's a lot to be said for just laying around in bed and having a lot of sex with someone you think is cute. I think I've been too focussed on finding love or just having anonymous sex and surely, as with all things, there is a wondrous halfway point where one might strike a balance?

Currently at work and really, really thinking I need to find someone to do the business with. Hoping this phase passes and/or gets easier.


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