A gay indie boy living in suburban South West London recounts his trials and tribulations dealing with sex, sexuality, growing up and getting older

Monday, March 10, 2014

Brain games

So I've reached what is known in 'no fap' terms as a 'flatline'. At certain points during abstaining from masturbation, you will not be horny or get hard. But conversely, all I can think about is sex because my brain keeps teasing me with images of things I've seen or more and more extreme scenarios to see if I am turned on by them.

It also makes me keep thinking about things I've done in the past... Some things are making me sick actually. I feel like I've really degraded myself at certain times and, though at times that was part of the point of doing it, I am just scared shitless that I'll 'want' to do it again, even though it's quite clear that at the moment my brain is telling me that's definitely not what I want. This is especially true of domination scenarios where I have been the submissive one. I mean, what was I thinking? But what's worse is I've done them now and it's there - a memory. It's not like a porn scene I can stop watching, I actually did it and that makes me feel worse.

Also the flatline is causing me some anxiety in that what if I met someone I liked and I found it difficult to have sex with them. Will I ever enjoy sex again after this whole 'thing' I seem to be going through? Especially if I'm going to feel guilty every time I do it. Am I capable of feeling love and closeness with someone again? Can I express a healthy sexuality in a monogamous relationship?

I am starting to feel quite afraid of sex and the power it seems to hold over me. I mean, why can't I actually use this down time to pursue creative things, be productive, take up a hobby? I wish I could take my mind off of it. Instead my brain keeps on testing me again and again in an obsessive way.

Need more meditation I think.


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