Brain games

So I've reached what is known in 'no fap' terms as a 'flatline'. At certain points during abstaining from masturbation, you will not be horny or get hard. But conversely, all I can think about is sex because my brain keeps teasing me with images of things I've seen or more and more extreme scenarios to see if I am turned on by them.

It also makes me keep thinking about things I've done in the past... Some things are making me sick actually. I feel like I've really degraded myself at certain times and, though at times that was part of the point of doing it, I am just scared shitless that I'll 'want' to do it again, even though it's quite clear that at the moment my brain is telling me that's definitely not what I want. This is especially true of domination scenarios where I have been the submissive one. I mean, what was I thinking? But what's worse is I've done them now and it's there - a memory. It's not like a porn scene I can stop watching, I actually did it and that makes me feel worse.

Also the flatline is causing me some anxiety in that what if I met someone I liked and I found it difficult to have sex with them. Will I ever enjoy sex again after this whole 'thing' I seem to be going through? Especially if I'm going to feel guilty every time I do it. Am I capable of feeling love and closeness with someone again? Can I express a healthy sexuality in a monogamous relationship?

I am starting to feel quite afraid of sex and the power it seems to hold over me. I mean, why can't I actually use this down time to pursue creative things, be productive, take up a hobby? I wish I could take my mind off of it. Instead my brain keeps on testing me again and again in an obsessive way.

Need more meditation I think.