A gay indie boy living in suburban South West London recounts his trials and tribulations dealing with sex, sexuality, growing up and getting older

Tuesday, March 04, 2014

Relapse and closure

So this morning, I caved and I masturbated. I think the reason is I was so tired last night and my brain was at low-level reptilian mode... Then alarmingly I started cruising Grindr because 'sex is allowed'. Ultimately, I didn't find anyone or go through with it even though someone offered to suck me off with a rubber on((?). Tempting, but no), but I think the kind of dopamine haze the possibility creates is the same as watching porn so I feel I failed. This morning was unbearable and I just did it. Now I feel really disappointed in myself, but all I can do is reset the counter to one and try again. On the plus side, I've spilled out some of that excess testosterone and feel on an even keel now, so perhaps it's the focus I need to keep going for the next week.

Vik did message back in the end. The conversation seemed resigned, but resolved. He blamed me a lot, I tried to explain my side of the story... Though it's over, it still feels really sad. It 'should' have worked. And it didn't... It's a real shame. I accepted his anger and blame, said I understood why he said the things he said but that I was going through a lot of things, realising a lot of things about myself (like for example, my problems with intimacy and relationships I seem to be having at the moment) and just was sorry that he had to be the catalyst to make me realise all of that

So I guess this morning I'm doubly kicking myself: on one count for giving in to masturbation, on the other for letting go of Vik. However, things are left on a positive note with him now and we can both shrug our shoulders and go, "Oh well" instead of having a potential screaming death match when we next see each other in person.

Also, the way the conversation occurred, it wasn't 'heavy emotional shall we get back together' speech, but more 'let's try and figure this out before we part ways again', and I think that's probably the best and only way it should or could have occurred, as drama queen me would have probably ended up messing it up all over again. Perhaps we can be friends one day.

I think - when you're single - sometimes you feel like you're just drifting in a void full of rocks and sometimes you cling on to a rock until the void sweeps you away again, and you're left waiting for the next rock to come along... Hoping maybe one day it will develop into a land you can build your home on.


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