A gay indie boy living in suburban South West London recounts his trials and tribulations dealing with sex, sexuality, growing up and getting older

Sunday, March 09, 2014

It's getting fucked up

So yesterday I was crazy horny... I downloaded all my old apps, started cruising Grindr, considering my options. Thank god I had something to do - I went to the opera in the evening to see La Boheme and had a really great time.

Then when I got home, someone I'd been chatting to a while messaged me. 

'When are we getting naked?'

You can see where this went. He came round and the sex was totally hot. Probably hotter because of my no masturbation, which I think made me try harder and get more aroused by stuff like kissing him on the neck. But it wasn't just that - he knew what to do. Had an awesome orgasm (obviously) and came loads. 

So this morning I woke up and? I feel horrendously guilty. Why?! I can't suss this out. I feel like I'm going Christian on my own ass. Just this horrible guilt for having sex and orgasming. 

Now I'm REALLY fucking worried. Until a few weeks ago, I would never have felt here or there about a sexual encounter. Now I'm panicking that every time I have sex I'm going to be compounded by this feeling.

What's more is that I can rationalise it. It was hot, we're both adults, we both had fun... There's nothing wrong with that.  And what happened between us was spicy. But... I just feel so guilty.

God I am getting really fucked up over this whole sex thing. I'm hoping I make a breakthrough at some point. A big plus plus is that an orgasm means I'll be a bit more stable in the coming days.

If I crack the cause of this guilt, I'll be back.


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