A gay indie boy living in suburban South West London recounts his trials and tribulations dealing with sex, sexuality, growing up and getting older

Wednesday, March 05, 2014

Easing up

Today I feel much better about my situation. I still think I'm right – that I need to do something for myself in terms of sexual relations. I feel like throughout my sexual history, I did things to please other people, but now it's time to get something I deserve for myself. To be with someone I am genuinely attracted to and get on with like a friend... To explore our physical side together and please each other as an act of intimacy and togetherness.

However, my brain keeps giving me OCD-style intrusive sexual thoughts (thanks brain) to the point I am actually sick of thinking about them but I can't stop it re-occuring in my mind. It's driving me nuts. I feel like I'm 'testing' myself to seen what I get aroused by... But the simple fact is I don't really care anymore whether I'm aroused by this or that or whatever. And plus I think I'm being way too hard on myself.

I think the main thing is that I have to make sure when I meet a guy it's the *real deal* – that there is a genuine mutual attraction going on, instead of meeting just anyone and hoping for the best. But underpinning all of this is a sense of fear. That guy that makes you feel special in the way you need to feel... Does he even exist? Have I shot my metaphorical load when it comes to love?

Will I stop asking myself Carrie Bradshaw-style rhetorical questions? Who knows...


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