A gay indie boy living in suburban South West London recounts his trials and tribulations dealing with sex, sexuality, growing up and getting older

Saturday, March 08, 2014

Are we all just sex mad?

I feel like I'm caving all the time... I started cruising gaydar for sex again this morning, staying in that hazy frame of mind that happens when you're hell bent on relieving the horn. Added to this someone sent me naked pics and I felt guilty as this kind of counts as 'porn'.

However, on the other hand, I'm realising it's difficult to meet gay men because all the normal channels have now dissolved onto social media... Grindr and the like. So there's this dilemma going on where the gay world is totally sex mad yet too paranoid to meet or see each other in real life.

What's more is it feels like my fantasies are getting dirtier rather than better, but the ridiculous thing is all the things I fantasise about would be acceptable in the context of a loving relationship.

It's hard to know where to go next with this. Do I fuck and get the horniness out that way, putting at risk the fact I could just lapse into patterns of sexual addiction? Do I wait for someone special and then be sorely disappointed in the bedroom if they are not sexually adventurous? Do I go back to masturbation - and if so how do I go back to it in a way that maintains sexual appetite and doesn't again feed addiction patterns?

At first I felt empowered but now it's really fucking me up. Are we even in control of our own respective sexualities? And if we can't change, will we ever find someone who loves us for it?


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