A gay indie boy living in suburban South West London recounts his trials and tribulations dealing with sex, sexuality, growing up and getting older

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Do you even know what you want?

I have just come back from a holiday to Marseille. I gave myself 5 days to take a break, think things through and - once I returned - I would get in touch with Vik to see if he wanted to go for a drink.

Marseille is an interesting city. after 7pm it appears to be dead, even though it's the second largest city in the whole of France. However, it has a much darker, seedier edge that you would be oblivious to unless you get caught in its wave. And that can all too easily happen. On two nights I was up till 9am and 4.30am after randomly being invited to a party, and both times I nearly called it quits and went home at 11.30pm because the bars were empty. Things seem to change within the space of 20 minutes if you're in the right place at the right time.

On Friday morning, Vik messaged me. He said nothing more than 'Hey Allan' and I responded, said I was in Marseille, asked how he was. He then told me Kate Bush is doing a residency at the Hammersmith Apollo... We exchanged messages until I said I had to go as I was on my way out. However, I decided to stick to my rule - when I get back, I'll message him.

I, of course, thought about him all the time – whether it would work out again, should we try just being friends first etc etc etc

So this morning I messaged him on What's App and asked him what day he was planning to go to the Kate Bush gig. I noticed he hadn't been online since midnight the previous night. Then my mind started going... He's slept with someone else. He stayed at someone else's place and his battery is dead - that's why he hasn't been online. And now he's not responding to me because he has to break the news to me that he's dating someone.

So now I'm panicking. I'm panicking and I start crying. And I'm crying and I shout out loud to myself, "Allan what the fuck do you want? If you want him go get him. If not, then leave him be."

I am usually very decisive and know my own feelings, but this has been the biggest mind fuck in my dating history.

They say hesitation is the biggest obstacle in love.

I don't even know what happens next.


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