A gay indie boy living in suburban South West London recounts his trials and tribulations dealing with sex, sexuality, growing up and getting older

Thursday, August 06, 2009


They came for the city workers and I said nothing. They came for my editor and I said nothing. Inevitably, now the silver axe has fallen on my neck in the massive cull in London known as 'redundancy'.

It hasn't come as a total shock- I've been expecting it for quite some time. In fact, part of me had hoped for it for some time. That way I could claim JSA and housing benefit legitimately and bum around being an artist for a while. But now that it's happening, there's just this heavy sense of dread, and for the first time in my life, I can say that I am well and truly stepping into the unknown.

I have no idea what it's like not to have a job seeing as the only time I was ever unemployed was for three months over summer at university, and even then I took on some voluntary work to help me get by. And so all I have is this image of me slobbing in bed. I can't even watch Jeremy Kyle because I don't have a TV.

And then I think whether or not I'll be forced to move back to Corby, and how upset I would be... Possibly how much it would plunge me into depression. To come home and to have failed both myself and my family's expectations of me. Locking myself away and crying with little Alex looking up and me and wondering why his big brother was so upset.

Then there's the idealist in me... The person that thinks its a chance to make a break- maybe even run away to New York like I've wanted to do for so long. Perhaps its time to get serious about my art and plough my efforts in, or take a month of from the rat race that I never had. To finally break away from the drudgery and the people I work with... The path is open.

One thing's for sure- sitting here and waiting for it to happen isn't much fun, and the knowing sympathy from other people is immesely irritating... And its from people who never liked you in the first place.

Redundancy- will it be dreaded horror or funemployment?

"Fearless fifteen
First came that dream
To be seen
To know love
The world and all its stages

Now 25
Look, made it alive
And what a lifeI have known
Not going to stop- never fully grown

And I don't fear what tomorrow may take
Stay blind to my future and fate"

Patrick Wolf- The Messenger

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