A gay indie boy living in suburban South West London recounts his trials and tribulations dealing with sex, sexuality, growing up and getting older

Friday, January 11, 2008

Meeting your match

And not in the way you'd expect.

So after a couple of drinks, it seems that this guy was very talkative and tried to convince me how cynical he was.

"I don't think you're cynical at all," he said

"Erm... A lot of people would disagree with you there"

"Really?" he said

And then he went on to tell me how he didn't believe that love existed past the second year of a relationship and that couples who had been together for 10 or 20 years was little more than convenience or compromise. And while I agreed that a relationship's function changes after a long period of time, I had to also agree that I wasn't *that* cynical; function doesn't negate love. Love and care are things that always exist regardless of the frequency of sex or the intensity of passion.

And so bent on this point he was that I started to wonder why he was telling me all these things.

I later asked how bothered he was about seeing me again.

"I am not bothered. I mean, I would like very much to see you again; I like you a lot. But in London these things so easily fall apart. People lose touch or get lost or hide behind lies and their own little world here that dating becomes an impossibility"

And I think that about sums up everyone's dating life in this city.

After a long hug goodbye, I am left wondering if I will ever see him again, or if he is just another intervention; another lesson for me to learn. It's funny how the most beautiful flower can also be the most poisonous

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Thursday, January 10, 2008

They say that lightning never strikes twice...

So today everythign was confirmed; we were to meet in Soho at 6pm. And then a couple of hours before the action was due to commence I receive a text;

"Hey... I'm tired and it's raining really hard. Do you mind if we make it tomorrow?"

Raining?! AGAIN?!??! Are homosexuals made of sugar or something? You can imagine how I felt; two guys I liked within the space of 6 months had used exactly the same excuse, except this time I decided to take a moment. I decided to confront him, and I rang him. I wanted to find out if he really thought it was worth it.

Within 10 seconds I was laughing. Then I told him the story of the guy I met at the wedding, trying to regain some control and resoluteness.

"Aww... I feel bad now"

"You'll make me feel bad for saying that," I said, then laughed, "No, no... You *should* feel guilty"

"Well, you should be happy you did. Not many people can"

And so I'm meeting him tomorrow.

I fear I'm losing my edge.

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Tuesday, January 08, 2008

New Year, New You?

Well having picked myself up off the floor over the New Year, 2008 started with a great big bang that gave me enough determination to carry on with the rest of the year. Within 4 days I had an interview for a much needed new job and I got laid by someone very new for the first time in (*hacks a cough over hsi own words*).

Which, you know, was nice.

I'd like to note I said "someone new". I haven't been celibate :p

And he gave me his number, and we're going on a date on Thursday.

So for all my infinite wisdom, I hate the fact that we always return to familiar ground; the "does he, doesn't he" dilemma. The signs are positive; I text him saying I had a great night. He text straight back saying he did too and he'd see me sometime for dinner, ending it with a "take care." Okay, back off, I think and I'll wait till I ask him for a date to text next. Two days later I say "So would you like to meet me before work one evening?" (working nights is a pain in the arse, sometimes). Again, text in 5 minutes "Sounds great. How about Thursday? Let me know what time." Again, punctuated with the eponymous "Take care". So now I'm wondering if I text him back a time or should I just "take care"?

I text him a time. He said "Perfect. See you soon"

I'm confused. We have a time, a day... But I have no idea where we're going or what we're doing, and I'm too scared to text because I should apparently be taking care of myself right now. Worse still, he's absolutely gorgeous. Really. I mean, I don't think I've ever laid someone as inarguably gorgeous as him. The kind of gorgeous where people wouldn't say "I don't know; he's not really my type" but more the kind of "Oh my God, just stick your penis inside me" type gorgeous.

So I'm even more confused; I left my ex because I thought I could do better and when I do I feel like I don't deserve it. I was quite happy to let it be a lucky one night stand, but it was him who asked me for my number and now I'm just in a sea of unfamiliarity.

However, the great thing about being a bit older and a bit wiser is that you learn to ride the rollercoaster and not stress so much about the details. But here we are... It all starts again: The Game. But I don't know who's playing it more; him or me?

I guess I feel in the weaker position again. Analysing every detail, wondering if he would have asked me out if I hadn't asked him, does he still have his eye on other guys, or is he thinking that this could work?

All this and not even a first date. I need some valium.

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