A gay indie boy living in suburban South West London recounts his trials and tribulations dealing with sex, sexuality, growing up and getting older

Sunday, June 15, 2014

Saying goodbye

Dear Vik,

Today we were supposed to meet and catch up, but I didn't hear from you so I only have to assume that the idea of meeting me is either a) a chore or b) too much to bear. Since we split up, I had this misguided hope that somehow I would see you again and we would fall in love anew, but now I see that's probably a far-fetched fantasy and whatever feelings you have for me are probably not matched in strength or frequency as the feelings I have had for you since we split on 30 December 2013. I can see that, for you, you were left a bit damaged, had a bit of time to yourself and then just got on with it – got over it. For me, I really had to fundamentally question whether I was able to have a relationship with *anyone*, let alone having a relationship with you. After six months of soul searching, I reluctantly have to let you go. Or, more pertinently, let the idea of you go.

You see, the more I hold onto you, the more I prevent both of us from finding someone. For me, everyone I have met with or had a sexual encounter with has brought with them feelings of guilt: that they couldn't compare to you, or how would I feel if I was with this person and I saw you. Did they match up to you? And, if I continue to pursue you, I am also holding you back from finding the love that you deserve – that all-consuming love of synthesis. To hold onto you is to be selfish, like the dog in Aesop's fable who lay in the hay because he could not eat it. If he could not have it, then none of the other animals would.

I also have to believe that I am capable of finding love, of being in love. And – while that love may not come to me today, tomorrow or in three, six, nine month's time – it is there in the universe. I deserve to be loved too and hungered for in a way I am desired. I am not flawed. Or, I may be flawed but there is someone out there who will love those flaws for what they are and acknowledge how perfectly imperfect I am.

I really wish that, somehow, it could have worked. But it didn't. I need to stop making myself feel so guilty about that. You really are one of the greatest guys I've ever known. If the waters hadn't turned sour – if we could have somehow got to the source of how it all became so poisoned sooner – I know it would have blossomed.

But I guess we can't answer those questions anymore... Just close the chapter and then continue into the flow of the universe.

So to that end I have to say... Goodbye, Vik. If I could pack up my feelings for you and send them in a package for the journey onwards, I would. I hope one day I will see you again, and we can tell each other some stories about what happened since... Then maybe laugh and laugh.

In absence of a guarantee of such a day, I wish you all the best and let us both go into the future with love.

Best wishes,