A gay indie boy living in suburban South West London recounts his trials and tribulations dealing with sex, sexuality, growing up and getting older

Sunday, February 18, 2007

MySpace: How Hipsters Do Rejection

Okay, so you spend a lovely night with a guy, you're not sure if you'll see each other again, but fuck it; single and fabulous, right?

So then comes the crunch. You know, you're not sure whether or not to leave your number (and just as a note, I always do. This isn't desperation, it's more because then you're absolutely blameless and they can feel guilty for not calling you when you're really, really nice to them if you ever see them out, even though you don't give a shit either way. I know; it's manipulative, but hey...). But recently numbers seem to have become obsolete, and there is in fact A BRAND NEW WAY of saying "this was a one night stand".

"Are you on MySpace?"

Yes; me and my friends have now discovered that if a man asks for your MySpace poist-coitus, you can forget the candlelit dinners, forget the drinks in the champagne rooms of Kettners. MySpace now equals "I'm never going to see you again but just so I remember who you are I'll read your bulletins occasionally, and maybe even make you fill out those fucking shitty questionnaires about what your favourite colour was when you were 3, and what you ate in the last decade."

Now this new technique works on two levels; one, they can file you away with their other 2,100 friends (and now I'm thinking how many of those people has he actually slept with), and two if you try and give them your number, they can rebuff you with "Well, I've got your MySpace anyway if I want to get in touch"

So no more guilt tripping with numbers. Just a piece of paper with www.myspace.com/dontletthedoorhityourarseonthewayout. I guess good old fashioned honesty is just an inconvenience in today's technological society

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Saturday, February 10, 2007

Sex, Love and Cake

One night stand. They seem like three very ugly words. It's kind of like the complete opposite of "I love you". It lasts for one night, you'll hopefully never see each other again, and you couldn't give a shit if they were run over a bus the next day. I mean, you got your rocks off, and that's all that matters, right?

I'm not going to tell you that one night stands are wrong, or pretend I'm morally superior. Neither of those statements are true. One night stands are fun, they make great anecdotes to tell your friends and even if they're crap in bed, you were probably so drunk at the time that you can't remember anyway. As far as I'm concerned there's only one problem with one night stands...

They only last for one night.

Sounds like stating the obvious, right? I know, I know... Sometimes you just want have a no strings attached fuck without someone whining about 'feelings'. But then isn't it such a waste? You carefully (or drunkenly) selected someone from the room to share yourself with, and then they walk out of your life just as easily as they came in. The least they could do is give you a repeat performance, preferably when you're both a little more sober.

The worst kind of one night stands are the ones where you seem to be getting on really, really well with the person, and then... Then nothing? If there was a chance that you could say something more to each other than "Oh yeah... That's the shit... I really like that... Give it to me", then maybe it's worth at least a drink to investigate those interesting conversations you had inbetween the post coital cigarettes.

What it cracks down to is, believe it or not, everyone still has a very fixed view of relationships. The purpose of this blog is not to say "One Night Stands are bad", but more "One Night Stands are a necessary evil that shouldn't exist". All too easily people think that if you have sex more than once that at some point during the night, some 'feelings' are going to creep in through the window and attack. Then, before you know it, it's that rocky road to marriage, mortgage, 2.4 children, the dog called "Fifi".

People should have more sex with each other. Sex can exist without love. Friendships can exist without love. I think relationships are a little more than having sex with a friend, but the crazy thing is a lot of people think that's the only thing there is to relationships. Suddenly those words "I would like to see you again" somehow sound like "commitmentcommitmentcommitmentcommitment". When you think about it, our sexual liberation has failed us. We have now created two extremes where you can have just sex, or you can have love.

Sure, you may tell me that you can have a fuck buddy, but tell me this; how many times has it happened to you where casual sex has turned into something more for one partner, and then the arrangement collapses within days? It's that old fashioned, "after repeated instances of intercourse we're somehow closer" point of view. Sex and love are so conjoined, but so totally opposite and they don't have to be. They can be seperate entities.

Sex is a bit like cake; you can always have a piece when you fancy it. You'll try a lot of cake, and you'll always have your favourite, like chocolate cake that tastes so good, but was ultimately bad for you. And you'll always have that horrible Jamaican ginger cake from time to time that you only bought because it was on sale and then regretted it when you had it with your cup of tea in the morning. But then there's madeira... You don't mind it, it's inoffensive and it satisfies your craving. No-one has strong feelings for madeira but you always want it from time to time. Ideally, you'd like to keep the madeira in the cupboard and have it when there's no chocolate cake around...

But where sex differs, you should be able to have your cake and eat it. If there were so many rules to eating cake, would you buy it anymore? And if you knew you could only try each cake once, would you not want to savour it for a bit longer?

Basically, why is something that appears to be so simple is actually totally complex, with lots of rules, regulations, how to fuck, how not to fuck, how not to get fucked around by someone, how it fucks you up and you end up completely fucked off with it all. I'll tell you one thing; it was clever of God to pin the survival of the species on it.

So next time you have a bit of madeira, remember that you might want to keep it on the shelf, and perhaps you'll take a bit more time with it instead of greedily scoffing it in one bite.

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Monday, February 05, 2007

Single and Fabulous!

I'm single. There's no prizes for guessing that, but usually I'm quite happy being single. I'm fairly independent, I like to do what I want to do without having some whinging poof asking me where I'm going or who's texting me. I like to do my own thing.

Occasionally, though, we all go through lonely periods, horny periods, dry spells and heartbreak. Now, I've certainly found from my experience that I'm too damn picky, moany and whinge-y when things aren't going my way in my love life. Today I deconstruct the single myths:-

1) I'm desperate to have sex, but no-one will have it with me

Bollocks. If you called up your ex and said, "Hey honey, how are you? Uh-huh.... Anyway, shut up. Your cock in my mouth?" they would be round there in a shot. The fact is you don't want to. You're actively choosing not to.

2) No-one ever chats me up

You ever tried chatting to them instead of doing your wallflower routine? Or perhaps you don't realise that, from across the room, your 'come hither' look looks more like 'fuck off and die'. Plus, believe it or not, guys are intimidated by those they judge to be better looking than them. The fact could be that you're an absolute stunner, but no-one would talk to you because they're too scared. The key here is either to stop going to clubs to get chatted up, or start doing the chatting! Otherwise, sit back there and eat those sour grapes

3) I just want to be in love again

Really? I mean seriously? All that crap that comes with love? Handing your heart out to someone on a plate just so they can shove it in a blender and hit puree? Just so you can cry in that really ugly way and shove your face full of Haagen Daazs as if it were a replacement for any kind of emotional nurturing? Having to constantly 'talk' and judge whether it's 'working' and being responsible for someone else's feelings?

I think you're better off alone with your Tesco Value microwave meal for one.

4) I don't do one night stands or casual sex

Why the fuck not? You think it makes you morally superior or something. Just remember "Virginity isn't divinity, it's just a lack of opportunity"

So before you reach for that bag of Haribo, remember; you're single and fabulous exclamation mark! Don't be co-dependent and wet.