Couples

As we've gone off the beaten path in the last couple of months, I decided to go back to ranting about those things that we should be more well informed about. Here I return to one of my old favourites that we haven't broached yet on this here blog; couples.

Now, I would say that when I was single, I still have a fairly positive outlook. Sure; we all get those days when we wish we had someone, but what the hell... You're single and having much more fun than having to listen to a whinging poof harp on about his 'feelings' and how you're not meeting 'his needs'. It's funny how 'his needs' were just copping off quickly at the beginning of a relationship, then suddenly turn into telling white lies about their insecurities.

That aside, there is nothing worse to a single person than a couple. And it's not because you're jealous, but because they're just so goddam weird. Here I'll take you through the stages of couple-dom and all it's strange rituals.

Remember those times where that crazy single friend you could always rely on who you would go out with and get trashed constantly seems to have disappeared off the face of the earth for a few weeks? It slowly dawns on you, being that you've been out having a laugh and suddenly paused to think "I wonder what happened to such-and-such... I haven't even had a text in a week" you sense that instant conclusion; a man. Yes, they've found a man, and you're back in Lonerville- Population: 1. In other words, you.

So why do people behave like such wankers at the start of relationships? Granted, they want to spend a bit more time with their new beau, but having been on the receiving end of this one too many times, I have now always always made time for my friends when beginning a new relationship. To those of you who think it's fine to swan off and get wrapped up in your own emotions and be all saccharine sweet while trying to swallow each others faces in public, spare a thought for your friend who's at home crying into a bottle of vodka and a Tesco Value microwave meal, probably tagliatelle with it's lukewarm white mush and rubbery pasta, for one. Yes, for one!

Then, after a few weeks or months, the first argument inevitably happens. And who do they turn to? That's right; their single friend. and you think "For fuck's sake, not only am I not in a relationship, I'm not in your relationship, so how the hell can I tell you what's happening, huh? Last week I was at home watching the Eastenders omnibus a good way through a bottle of Absolut, and now all of a sudden I'm your best friend again?"

And what happens after they've resolved the argument? We're back to crying about Dot Cotton's dilemma because we're fucked off our face on a Sunday afternoon.

Worse still is when couples get to years. After years of being together, they suddenly merge into one person. We're going to Montpellier this summer. We like Cherry Cola. We had an orginal thought the other day, didn't we? And so they start to talk to you about sofa purchases which, apart from that only being of interest to a DFS salesman, you've probably never had to consider in your life. And even if you had, you probably wouldn't be so boring as to talk about it. Besides, by this point you're probably so bored of the fact that every time you invite your friend out, their boyfriend has to be there, or them spending so much time with their other half that you've given up and gotten a new life.

Weddings mark the death of friendships sometimes...

So next time you get into a relationship, consider your single self and don't be so damn limp next time!

The Single Cycle

And no; I'm not talking about how you should wash your whites. It's the life cycle of the single gay man.

1) Fresh out of a relationship, with residual bittnerness and angst dealt with, the gayer realises he can now go on the pull again and have lots of casual sex with people that mean nothing to him

2) Gets bored

3) Tries dating, and remembers how much dating sucked in the first place B.B. (Before Boyfriend)

4) Thinks about calling ex, but is disturbed by cute guy at the bar, and remembers his options are open now

5) Sleeps with cute boy at the bar

6) Feels good about oneself then lapses into residual boredom feeling

7) Tries dating again, and remembers how dating didn't really work B.B.

8) Out of frustration calls ex and sleeps with him, consequently feeling guilty and confused having to deal with the 'why aren't we together' feeling from one or other partner. Lies to ex and said there have been no others since they split to paper over the cracks

9) Tries dating, but this time decides not to sleep with them on the first date, and then realises how that didn't really work B.B.

10) Lapses into apathy, and realises he can go on the pull again and sleep with lots of people he may or may not remember the day after

11) Apathy gives way to bitterness and frustration. Tries to change appearance/ life/ sexuality in order to give a fresh start and a new focus

12) After distracting himself for 4 months, he posts an internet ad including such phrases as "bored of the scene" and "generic guy seeks similar"

13) After waiting a month and still receiving no replies, reverts to step 1)

The cycle is usually broken at step 11, when gayers usually decide there life is actually okay and are too busy becoming noveau indie/ setting up performance art nights in fields in the Midlands/ chasing after a girl when some guy called Joseph waltzes into the bar and coincidentally seems to like the same things you do, and shags like a rampant rabbit running off of a car battery.