Rule of 3?

I can't remember when the saying passed into myth that out of a great apartment, a great boyfriend and a great job, you can only have two of the three at any one time. So when you find yourself single, in a shitty house share in London and in a mediocre job, something has to be done to readdress the balance.

I'm moving out.

And this morning, I looked around at the detritus and piles of dirty laundry and though that, with 7 days left, I was pushing it. On top of that, I also had another deadline in 14 days time for a hefty, hefty project. In fact, the word count is close to that of the word limit for a published novel.

Betfair are doing the fixed odds on it later today, being that after Friday I'm working 7 days in a row, and I have to visit my parents after then.

So if you're wondering why I haven't updated my blog, it's probably because I'm wading through the amount of tack one can collect in a year and try to figure out if it's worthy of taking with me on my life travels, and trying to type fervently whilst reassuring my mother I will make it home.

So, fingers crossed for me, eh?

Simple and Uncomplicated

I think it's a real shame that a lot of my very intelligent, very handsome and/ or very pretty friends (both male and female) are often left on the shelf, and in moments of despair will say "Why doesn't anyone like me?"

It's a shame, but the main reason is this; most people like things to be simple and uncomplicated.

If you take a look around, 90% of people are quite boring. No, really. No, really! I might be saying this from the point of view of some kind of counter-culture, but I'm constantly amazed how two people with seemingly nothing in common get together and muddle their way through a relationship. What's even worse is some people's mantra that "Everything can be talked out." No; not everything can be talked out; some people just weren't meant to be together.

I also can't help but think they're settling. But it's so common.

The reason why this happens is because their view of relationships is one that is fairly skewed, but is fairly functional. Relationships to them are having sex with someone you like. And their predictable view of relationships goes like this:-

Meet---> Have sex----> Enter relationship -----> Argue -----> stay together -----> repeat -----> Marriage.

And for them the chain can be broken at any time, but if it isn't, then it will predictably go on to the next stage. And why do so many people do this? Because so many people are just plain ordinary. And so it's easier for them to find a successful relationship because when two ordinary people get together, they can have a successfully ordinary life, with a predictable outcome and average expectancies.

For those of us who have a little intelligence, eccentricity, insight and attractiveness, it's a little bit harder to find that perfect person. Because to realise that you could never settle for 'ordinary' complicates things for everyone.

Couples

As we've gone off the beaten path in the last couple of months, I decided to go back to ranting about those things that we should be more well informed about. Here I return to one of my old favourites that we haven't broached yet on this here blog; couples.

Now, I would say that when I was single, I still have a fairly positive outlook. Sure; we all get those days when we wish we had someone, but what the hell... You're single and having much more fun than having to listen to a whinging poof harp on about his 'feelings' and how you're not meeting 'his needs'. It's funny how 'his needs' were just copping off quickly at the beginning of a relationship, then suddenly turn into telling white lies about their insecurities.

That aside, there is nothing worse to a single person than a couple. And it's not because you're jealous, but because they're just so goddam weird. Here I'll take you through the stages of couple-dom and all it's strange rituals.

Remember those times where that crazy single friend you could always rely on who you would go out with and get trashed constantly seems to have disappeared off the face of the earth for a few weeks? It slowly dawns on you, being that you've been out having a laugh and suddenly paused to think "I wonder what happened to such-and-such... I haven't even had a text in a week" you sense that instant conclusion; a man. Yes, they've found a man, and you're back in Lonerville- Population: 1. In other words, you.

So why do people behave like such wankers at the start of relationships? Granted, they want to spend a bit more time with their new beau, but having been on the receiving end of this one too many times, I have now always always made time for my friends when beginning a new relationship. To those of you who think it's fine to swan off and get wrapped up in your own emotions and be all saccharine sweet while trying to swallow each others faces in public, spare a thought for your friend who's at home crying into a bottle of vodka and a Tesco Value microwave meal, probably tagliatelle with it's lukewarm white mush and rubbery pasta, for one. Yes, for one!

Then, after a few weeks or months, the first argument inevitably happens. And who do they turn to? That's right; their single friend. and you think "For fuck's sake, not only am I not in a relationship, I'm not in your relationship, so how the hell can I tell you what's happening, huh? Last week I was at home watching the Eastenders omnibus a good way through a bottle of Absolut, and now all of a sudden I'm your best friend again?"

And what happens after they've resolved the argument? We're back to crying about Dot Cotton's dilemma because we're fucked off our face on a Sunday afternoon.

Worse still is when couples get to years. After years of being together, they suddenly merge into one person. We're going to Montpellier this summer. We like Cherry Cola. We had an orginal thought the other day, didn't we? And so they start to talk to you about sofa purchases which, apart from that only being of interest to a DFS salesman, you've probably never had to consider in your life. And even if you had, you probably wouldn't be so boring as to talk about it. Besides, by this point you're probably so bored of the fact that every time you invite your friend out, their boyfriend has to be there, or them spending so much time with their other half that you've given up and gotten a new life.

Weddings mark the death of friendships sometimes...

So next time you get into a relationship, consider your single self and don't be so damn limp next time!

Word of Mouth

So after last week's debacle, me and my friend Marilyn decided not to go on the gay indie scene for a while. It's going to be a little bit tougher for her being that she works at a gay indie club, but nonetheless, she has stopped answering the phone to their persistent requests to work on certain nights of the week.

There are numerous advantages to this:-

1) We can go out and see some different club nights, maybe even meet some new people. After 4 years of exhausting the same places and looking at the same faces, I think it's time to stop being lazy and actually start doing the research as to what's on of a night that might be a decent do.

2) My potential networking could expand to more than climbing to infamy in a hierachy where snorting cocaine off the boss' penis is classed as one of the highest forms of endearment.

3) To go forward, you have to go back... Remember? ;)

So, in other words, I'm going back to the scene I was born from, and not the fake plastic one I've been engaged in for so long. I was always much better at going out and being pretentious (oh wait, pretending to be pretentious), drunkenly falling on people who would ask you politely where you got your shoes from before spewing on them and being a well dressed gay in rooms where everyone else looks like a well dressed gay but are most likely straight.

Not that that matters. What matters is that I'd forgotten what was important!

Tonight I went to a gig to see this band I vaguely knew from the electroclash days (and yes, if you weren't in it, you probably just read about it in the NME) and kept in touch with because our music was similar. I'd been meaning to give the singer a demo for ages, so today I approached her.

"Oh hi!" she said

"Hi" I said as I smiled and said slightly sheepishly "I thought I'd give you my demo in person. It's much nicer, and plus I get to see you live too"

"And I haven't seen you live yet.." she said (hahahaha, clever ploy; it's called 'gig etiquette'. If you ever start doing music, go to all your friends' bands' gigs because then they will be obliged to come to yours at least once)

"I've been taking a break," I said (as most of you could probably gather), "I'll be working with [person protected in case anyone I know successfully Googles this] soon"

"Oh, is he the cute one?"

"Well, the lead singer's okay as well, isn't he?"

"They're all very nice" she said

"Anyway, I'll let you get on with it..." I said as I walked away, and spotted a DJ I used to know who is still running a clubnight I used to go to back in, you guessed it, those good old electroclash days.

"Hi," I said, as I reached in my bag for another demo.

There's nothing like a personal appearance for a bit of good, old fashioned, word of mouth promotion.

Ugly Sex

Ew.

I need a Brillo pad, some bleach, and a break from sex for at least 3 months.