Straight mates

God, I just hate it when one of your male friends says "If I were to experiment with my sexuality, you'd be the first guy I'd sleep with." Oh, great. So that's supposed to make me feel better about my chronic lack of a love life? The fact that someone I'm not attracted to in the first place would sleep with me IF (and that's a big if right there) they suddenly thought "Oh, hang on, maybe I don't like tits after all." Well, jeez. Thanks. So with ordinary gay men I'm way down on the list, but with those guys who want to fuck anything that walks I'm the number one priority.

And why the hell do they think it's okay to flirt with you? Get off it. I'll play the game, but I wouldn't go anywhere near that penis if you paid me. And, usually, I don't go for straight guys. They tend not to sleep with men, and that's a massive requirement on my potential relationship list.

Go and try your naff lines on the sleazy bird at the bar!

Sterling Pillars of the Gay Community

Let's take a moment to recognise those sterling examples of Pink Power who have really elevated the opinion of homosexuals in popular culture:-

George Michael- Well, all was going swimmingly when you were in the closet. There was no 'coming out' so to speak, but it was rather blowing up the closet sending the lingerie flying right into the public's face when he was caught cottaging in a loo. Okay, okay... We can cope with that. A minor indiscretion. But then being caught with his pants down on Hampstead Heath and exclaiming "I'm gay, this is what my people do" was really the over-generalisation of the century. Your people, George? Your people?

I'd sooner pledge my allegiance to Maggie Thatcher than someone who claims to be 'Jesus to a Child' (whatever that meant) and gets caught in sleazy (and yes, it was sleazy folks. Anyone who gets horny while staring at the U-bend of a public toilet isn't quite there on the level sexual practice field) situations and then has the gumption to claim that this is what all gay people do. Like I would spend my days roaming round a muddy field looking for trade. I'd sooner stay at home with a nice copy of 'Private Man' and a warm cup of cocoa.

Although, admittedly, Hampstead is quite a classy place. So we'll give him a point for effort.

Graham Norton- We've all invariably suffered as a consequence. To be fair, he started off quite entertaining and subversive... Then he went prime time. Then every night. Soon there seemed to be no depths which he couldn't trawl for a cheap sexual joke. The real cheap joke is that he moved to the BBC to present 'Strictly Come Dancing'. That must of been a pretty huge pay check you sould your soul for there, Mr. Norton.

Oh, and thanks for keeping up the positive image to the general public that gays can somehow not function in the real world without mentioning they have to shove something up their arse every 10 seconds.

Elton John- Tiaras and Tantrums? And how come he knows every gay celeb on this planet? Actually, I won't say too much because it's my plan to befriend him and marry Rufus Wainwright one day

Will Young- Awww... Wasn't it so brave of him to go on Pop Idol and win? And then reveal after he had won that he was gay. Because, you know, the public hates those fucking faggots. I tell you now, I could personally out one or two people who have been in my bed and on those reality shows. I honestly wonder when that story will come out...

Robbie Williams- Oh, that's right. He's actually not gay, and spent a fuck load of money proving it. The next time someone mistakes me for being straight, I'm going to sue their asses for loads of money. Because, you know, being accused of being a GAY is, like, the worst thing ever. They have AIDS and everything...

So hats off to you; our few public representatives of us gayers. Oh, and Peter Tatchell, but believe me if I start on him, OUTRage! will be banging down my door within minutes...

Indie Gays

Most people would describe me as an 'indie gay'. I listen to indie music, I dress a bit weird, I have a floppy fringe.. But there is something about the gay indie scene that I just can't get to grips with. They're so quick to criticise mainstream gayers for being shallow and empty. Well, I have a surprise for you guys...

You are really shallow.

And what's more, they're shallow and pretentious. Christ, I cannot count the amount of times I've spent in an indie club playing 'indie deathmatch' (the rules of the game being whoever has the most obscure 7 inch collector's edition vinyl in their collection is the winner) just to prove that I was somehow worthy of talking to someone who wouldn't otherwise face me. And what is it with all the guys who are really quite ugly thinking that long hair and eyeliner will somehow make you a lustful object? Get over yourself. No, really. Get over yourself because you're not the best thing out there since Justin Frischmann dumped Damon Albarn. No. In fact, what I think you'll find is that you're a snotty, jumped up, middle class kid from the London suburbs who thinks they're "so different" just because they bothered to read Nietzsche and Proust, and listens to music that wasn't composed by Max Martin.

If you can't see through the fact that looking down on people just because they don't listen to the same kind of music as you is petty, then you're a pretty awful person. And if you look down on someone just because they're not wearing skinny jeans and some ill-fitting cardigan, then I'm afraid you have about as much depth as the guy in Heaven dismissing someone for not wearing designer shoes.

The fact is everyone fucks up, everyone's made a tit of themselves, everyone's stepped out without their hair GHD'd to within an inch of his life and no-one, I repeat, NO-ONE is 100%, bona fide, infallibly cool 24/7. In fact, if you were, you'd be a bit of a knob anyway.

So here's to the pretentious indie gays; you're a cliche. I thought indie was short for independent, not indescribably boring.

What's Wrong With Being Camp?

Well? I'm fed up of people saying 'Oh, that's so camp' in a really derogatory fashion, just like someone will accuse you of being 'so gay'. So what? I AM gay. Last time I checked I was fucking something with a penis. Whether it was human or not is another matter...

Anyway, aside from my perversions, I'm not talking about Graham Norton or Julian Clary with their limp-wristed poofery, flopping around and saying glaringly obvious innuendos like 'I'll fill you in later' or 'Ooo, look at the lallies on that homie" or WHATEVER! I'm not talking about wearing tight t-shirts and wandering into G-A-Y bar toilets with a £50 note shoved up your nose and doing a line whilst trying to have group sex with 5 other guys. I'm not even talking about those screeching (God bless 'em) queens that are so false and crass with their sexual one upmanship.

NO!

I'm talking about just being a bit fey. Now, God knows I'm not the namby-pambiest fairy on the block. I still have stock in the straight market and have been chatted up by girls occasionally! But, then again, I am not Butchy McButch of Butchton, Butchville. People sometimes guess I'm gay (and, Christ, it saves me telling them) and I have been known to put on that shirt that hugs my waist a little more (I mean, Jesus, are men's clothes designed to make everyone look like non-descript fatties?), but what the hell is wrong with that?

And what's wrong with those non-scene guys? "I'm non-scene." Well, here's news for all you guys; you're so fucking non-scene you've just become a gay scene in yourselves. So why not spend your life avoiding going to gay bars, because we sure as hell don't want to see you in there. And while you're at it, you might want to repress any other sexual desires you have. If you want to aspire to be some lager-swilling, tits-loving guy who waivers between something that crawled out of the primordial ooze and neanderthals then go ahead.

And, let's face it, there is some camp that is completely falsified behaviour. Maybe that's what we hate. But some guys are just... Well... Camp. And some guys are just... Gay.

I have to say I'm not really attracted to the Kylie-loving guys amongst us, but give them their space. And if you don't like it, don't look. Don't criticise! If you think you're so goddam perfect then just remember; straight mates doesn't equal dates.

So this is the first round for gay fascist crime number one; I don't like camp guys. Ask yourself, what do you mean? I don't like camp behaviour or I don't like people who are openly gay? Because you have to think, if it's the latter, then it's because they're displaying a quality you hate in yourself.