Do you even know what you want?

I have just come back from a holiday to Marseille. I gave myself 5 days to take a break, think things through and - once I returned - I would get in touch with Vik to see if he wanted to go for a drink.

Marseille is an interesting city. after 7pm it appears to be dead, even though it's the second largest city in the whole of France. However, it has a much darker, seedier edge that you would be oblivious to unless you get caught in its wave. And that can all too easily happen. On two nights I was up till 9am and 4.30am after randomly being invited to a party, and both times I nearly called it quits and went home at 11.30pm because the bars were empty. Things seem to change within the space of 20 minutes if you're in the right place at the right time.

On Friday morning, Vik messaged me. He said nothing more than 'Hey Allan' and I responded, said I was in Marseille, asked how he was. He then told me Kate Bush is doing a residency at the Hammersmith Apollo... We exchanged messages until I said I had to go as I was on my way out. However, I decided to stick to my rule - when I get back, I'll message him.

I, of course, thought about him all the time – whether it would work out again, should we try just being friends first etc etc etc

So this morning I messaged him on What's App and asked him what day he was planning to go to the Kate Bush gig. I noticed he hadn't been online since midnight the previous night. Then my mind started going... He's slept with someone else. He stayed at someone else's place and his battery is dead - that's why he hasn't been online. And now he's not responding to me because he has to break the news to me that he's dating someone.

So now I'm panicking. I'm panicking and I start crying. And I'm crying and I shout out loud to myself, "Allan what the fuck do you want? If you want him go get him. If not, then leave him be."

I am usually very decisive and know my own feelings, but this has been the biggest mind fuck in my dating history.

They say hesitation is the biggest obstacle in love.

I don't even know what happens next.

Fear of death

It's 3.20am. I've just bolted upright in my own bed with that paralysing fear of death that grips us sometimes. You know the one - realising that you're going to die and that all of this means nothing, because one day your consciousness won't even exist and all your thoughts and hopes and dreams will never be known by anyone else ever. 

I just sat up and said, "Oh God Oh God Oh God OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD!"

And all of this shit means nothing. Who will care in 100 year's time whether I did or did not get my PhD? Whether I did or did not fall in love? Whether I did it or did not fulfil my artistic ambitions?

Sometimes we get stuck on the treadmill, unaware of our own relative unimportance. The ego consumes us and we forget we're just one of billions trapped in the cycle of life.

Fear of death is something that I first really got to grips with when I was 15. At least then I had this hope, and a vast amount of time ahead of me. At 30, the course feels more set.

I hope one day I can face my death with peace and resolve. My mother says that a fear of death is good - it means there's still something left to live for. I hope she's right...

Ex-ting: texting with Vik

I was drunk, he was drunk... And we had this exchange on Saturday night

Love's labours lost

Right so... I've not watched porn for three weeks now, and I have not masturbated since my last sexual encounter. Today was another tough day... I was very horny, cruised Gaydar and Grindr for many hours which is very bad. Felt like lapsing into old behaviours. 

What is frustrating me at the moment is that gay culture is very isolating. Everything is experienced through screens. Even watchingpornography has become this self involved thing, enabling us to reject anything real in favour of being emotionless masturbating banana slugs.

Then when it does come to sex it always has to be 'damaging'. Topping, bottoming, using, fucking blah blah blah... Racing to a finish line every time you have sex, leaving as soon as it's over. Just pushing intimacy to the corners and out completely.

I just wonder if it is possible to fall in love anymore with all this narcissistic damage and distancing going on. Even if my heart opens, has gay culture gone so far that everyone else is more interested in self gratification than true love?

Depressing.

Brain games

So I've reached what is known in 'no fap' terms as a 'flatline'. At certain points during abstaining from masturbation, you will not be horny or get hard. But conversely, all I can think about is sex because my brain keeps teasing me with images of things I've seen or more and more extreme scenarios to see if I am turned on by them.

It also makes me keep thinking about things I've done in the past... Some things are making me sick actually. I feel like I've really degraded myself at certain times and, though at times that was part of the point of doing it, I am just scared shitless that I'll 'want' to do it again, even though it's quite clear that at the moment my brain is telling me that's definitely not what I want. This is especially true of domination scenarios where I have been the submissive one. I mean, what was I thinking? But what's worse is I've done them now and it's there - a memory. It's not like a porn scene I can stop watching, I actually did it and that makes me feel worse.

Also the flatline is causing me some anxiety in that what if I met someone I liked and I found it difficult to have sex with them. Will I ever enjoy sex again after this whole 'thing' I seem to be going through? Especially if I'm going to feel guilty every time I do it. Am I capable of feeling love and closeness with someone again? Can I express a healthy sexuality in a monogamous relationship?

I am starting to feel quite afraid of sex and the power it seems to hold over me. I mean, why can't I actually use this down time to pursue creative things, be productive, take up a hobby? I wish I could take my mind off of it. Instead my brain keeps on testing me again and again in an obsessive way.

Need more meditation I think.

4 of cups

So I drew a tarot card today and I got the 4 of cups, which seems strangely apt. The meaning if this card mimics the meditating Buddha beneath the tree. The cups of plenty are surrounding him, but he ignores these as the answer he seeks is within. A hand offers him a fourth cup - this cup is filled with love. But he cannot accept it until he meditates on the root cause of his problem.

It's getting fucked up

So yesterday I was crazy horny... I downloaded all my old apps, started cruising Grindr, considering my options. Thank god I had something to do - I went to the opera in the evening to see La Boheme and had a really great time.

Then when I got home, someone I'd been chatting to a while messaged me. 

'When are we getting naked?'

You can see where this went. He came round and the sex was totally hot. Probably hotter because of my no masturbation, which I think made me try harder and get more aroused by stuff like kissing him on the neck. But it wasn't just that - he knew what to do. Had an awesome orgasm (obviously) and came loads. 

So this morning I woke up and? I feel horrendously guilty. Why?! I can't suss this out. I feel like I'm going Christian on my own ass. Just this horrible guilt for having sex and orgasming. 

Now I'm REALLY fucking worried. Until a few weeks ago, I would never have felt here or there about a sexual encounter. Now I'm panicking that every time I have sex I'm going to be compounded by this feeling.

What's more is that I can rationalise it. It was hot, we're both adults, we both had fun... There's nothing wrong with that.  And what happened between us was spicy. But... I just feel so guilty.

God I am getting really fucked up over this whole sex thing. I'm hoping I make a breakthrough at some point. A big plus plus is that an orgasm means I'll be a bit more stable in the coming days.

If I crack the cause of this guilt, I'll be back.

Are we all just sex mad?

I feel like I'm caving all the time... I started cruising gaydar for sex again this morning, staying in that hazy frame of mind that happens when you're hell bent on relieving the horn. Added to this someone sent me naked pics and I felt guilty as this kind of counts as 'porn'.

However, on the other hand, I'm realising it's difficult to meet gay men because all the normal channels have now dissolved onto social media... Grindr and the like. So there's this dilemma going on where the gay world is totally sex mad yet too paranoid to meet or see each other in real life.

What's more is it feels like my fantasies are getting dirtier rather than better, but the ridiculous thing is all the things I fantasise about would be acceptable in the context of a loving relationship.

It's hard to know where to go next with this. Do I fuck and get the horniness out that way, putting at risk the fact I could just lapse into patterns of sexual addiction? Do I wait for someone special and then be sorely disappointed in the bedroom if they are not sexually adventurous? Do I go back to masturbation - and if so how do I go back to it in a way that maintains sexual appetite and doesn't again feed addiction patterns?

At first I felt empowered but now it's really fucking me up. Are we even in control of our own respective sexualities? And if we can't change, will we ever find someone who loves us for it?

Expectations

Today my own thoughts have been driving me insane. I started the day with a run, tried to meditate for 20 mins, dropped off my laundry and my mind was just thinking about all the sexual things I'd done. Some I'm embarrassed about, others I feel I can deal with.

I did this live chat with relate counselling. I remember the guy said to me that I had unrealistic expectations of relationships and I had to think about what I really wanted. Perhaps make a list. He said that I had random sexual encounters with people because reinforced my belief that what I was looking for didn't exist. And yet, on the other hand I worry when I'm in relationships because I think it's not worth it and it will end anyway.

To be frank though, it was driving me insane. I had to get out of the house. I went to see Dil and we had some drinks. I had to get out of my own head.

Inside I'm despairing, unsure I'll ever find anyone again. 

Easing up

Today I feel much better about my situation. I still think I'm right – that I need to do something for myself in terms of sexual relations. I feel like throughout my sexual history, I did things to please other people, but now it's time to get something I deserve for myself. To be with someone I am genuinely attracted to and get on with like a friend... To explore our physical side together and please each other as an act of intimacy and togetherness.

However, my brain keeps giving me OCD-style intrusive sexual thoughts (thanks brain) to the point I am actually sick of thinking about them but I can't stop it re-occuring in my mind. It's driving me nuts. I feel like I'm 'testing' myself to seen what I get aroused by... But the simple fact is I don't really care anymore whether I'm aroused by this or that or whatever. And plus I think I'm being way too hard on myself.

I think the main thing is that I have to make sure when I meet a guy it's the *real deal* – that there is a genuine mutual attraction going on, instead of meeting just anyone and hoping for the best. But underpinning all of this is a sense of fear. That guy that makes you feel special in the way you need to feel... Does he even exist? Have I shot my metaphorical load when it comes to love?

Will I stop asking myself Carrie Bradshaw-style rhetorical questions? Who knows...

Relapse and closure

So this morning, I caved and I masturbated. I think the reason is I was so tired last night and my brain was at low-level reptilian mode... Then alarmingly I started cruising Grindr because 'sex is allowed'. Ultimately, I didn't find anyone or go through with it even though someone offered to suck me off with a rubber on((?). Tempting, but no), but I think the kind of dopamine haze the possibility creates is the same as watching porn so I feel I failed. This morning was unbearable and I just did it. Now I feel really disappointed in myself, but all I can do is reset the counter to one and try again. On the plus side, I've spilled out some of that excess testosterone and feel on an even keel now, so perhaps it's the focus I need to keep going for the next week.

Vik did message back in the end. The conversation seemed resigned, but resolved. He blamed me a lot, I tried to explain my side of the story... Though it's over, it still feels really sad. It 'should' have worked. And it didn't... It's a real shame. I accepted his anger and blame, said I understood why he said the things he said but that I was going through a lot of things, realising a lot of things about myself (like for example, my problems with intimacy and relationships I seem to be having at the moment) and just was sorry that he had to be the catalyst to make me realise all of that

So I guess this morning I'm doubly kicking myself: on one count for giving in to masturbation, on the other for letting go of Vik. However, things are left on a positive note with him now and we can both shrug our shoulders and go, "Oh well" instead of having a potential screaming death match when we next see each other in person.

Also, the way the conversation occurred, it wasn't 'heavy emotional shall we get back together' speech, but more 'let's try and figure this out before we part ways again', and I think that's probably the best and only way it should or could have occurred, as drama queen me would have probably ended up messing it up all over again. Perhaps we can be friends one day.

I think - when you're single - sometimes you feel like you're just drifting in a void full of rocks and sometimes you cling on to a rock until the void sweeps you away again, and you're left waiting for the next rock to come along... Hoping maybe one day it will develop into a land you can build your home on.

One week later and fantasising is the problem

So it's been eight days and seven nights since I last masturbated. As I mentioned in the last post, on the plus side I thought it would be a lot more difficult and - at times - it really is hard to resist. Those times are usually when I'm in bed and the only thing to do is let your mind wander. Though I didn't relapse, I did have really strong fantasies that I dwelled on and I know that these can inhibit you because essentially you're watching 'mind porn' and these fantasies weren't exactly vanilla either. I didn't sleep very well because of this, and what's more is I was rubbing against my sheets which I had to stop as this could be considered 'a form' of masturbation and I could feel myself getting quite close at points.

I've had two sex dreams, which is really good as I haven't really had an intense sex dream in a while, and I'm really pleased my natural sexual appetite is returning. Of course, it's actually extremely frustrating that there is no one around to take these frustrations out on as I have a feeling I'd be a bit of a demon in the sack currently. I could easily go three times in one session, I reckon.

I have also checked Grindr and Gaydar intermittently, but not cruised them like I have in the past. I'm caught between snaring a sexual partner and saving myself for someone I meet in person.

So here are a current list of pros and cons.

Pros:

• Increased boost of confidence in one's own attractiveness – you really deserve the best boys out there
• Enjoy a state of arousal more rather than feeling it's something you have to 'get rid of'
• People seem to notice you more – girls especially (which doesn't help me). Starting to think there is a pheromone aspect going on
• Caring even less about what people think around you – you want to be heard, noticed... laugh the loudest etc
• Squaring up to other men as though you have nothing to fear – feel as though you're competitive, as good as any other man
• Feel as though your standards are deserved - the next person you sleep with really has to deserve you giving it to them
• Motivated to work out, exercise, keep fit, maintain attractiveness, go the extra mile - bolted 9km at the weekend
• More focus
• Harder, full and bigger erections

Cons:

• I'm currently single so even though I have 'allowed' myself to have sex, even on a one night stand, it's sometimes quite frustrating thinking that there will be no outlet until there is a random encounter, and then how long does this exercise go on?
• Questioning whether I'm repressing myself... What is the purpose of this exercise? Will I just relapse if I did have a one night stand rather than a meaningful sexual experience? And if this is the case, how much longer do I have to wait for that? Am I trying to 'cleanse' my fetishes? And is this useful or should I accept them?
• Prostate discomfort is occasional whenever I need to go toilet but dissipating as I type. Some occasional testicular discomfort too
• Sex becomes your primary motivation... I'm mostly preoccupied with the fact I'm not masturbating currently
• Also get quite aggressive and irritable. A couple of friends have remarked that I seem to be 'looking for a fight' on occasion. As if we didn't know the dumbing down effect testosterone has.
• I have to distract myself quite a bit. Sometimes this has taken the form of going out and drinking most nights to dull the need to insert my penis into something

Have also since discovered that this is a 'thing' – there's a community called 'No Fap' so have occasionally been looking them up for motivation to keep going. Some people suggest 60 or 90 days without masturbating... I think if I do get a boyfriend, though, that not masturbating could become a feasible option in order to maintain a healthy sex life. I have decided that I won't go back to porn, though. I have started to think it is very unhealthy, destructive and creates unrealistic expectations/demands of sex.

So I did get in touch with Vik after all and the result? Well, it just unleashed the pain all over again, which was good in a way because now I know for sure it wasn't right and it's time to move on. We kind of sheepishly had a half-hearted text exchange. It felt all wrong, so I can happily close that chapter knowing I did try everything.

Also, this increased confidence is making me think why does everything have to be so damn serious all the time when it comes to relationships? Surely there's a lot to be said for just laying around in bed and having a lot of sex with someone you think is cute. I think I've been too focussed on finding love or just having anonymous sex and surely, as with all things, there is a wondrous halfway point where one might strike a balance?

Currently at work and really, really thinking I need to find someone to do the business with. Hoping this phase passes and/or gets easier.

Vik, why can't I bring myself to send these?